Bad advice… just bad advice

I saw a blog post today that frankly, really upset me. Something I haven’t shared before (I think) is that before I married my little narcissist, I was married to an abusive addict. (Lesson learned, there won’t be a third.)

In this blog, about how to love a husband well, the advice was superficial and should have been given with a disclaimer.

Have you ever noticed how everyone is an expert because they get one thing right (or seem to)? Or get something figured out for them and then want everyone to do it their way?

The piece of advice that really bothered me – “Ask your husband what it means to respect?” That could have gotten me killed in my last married.

When I nicely commented on the blog, it wouldn’t post. I didn’t (can’t) use a real email for safety reasons. I was already planning on blogging myself about that, so here I am a little sooner.

In my current marriage, when I would try to seek help from friends, I heard, “You need to submit more.” Or, “You’re not submitting enough.”

I will not submit to sin.

If I had been a Christian and gotten that advice with my ex-husband, well, I might not be around today.

I love Abigail (in the Bible). She’s my hero. She did what was right in God’s eyes and He rewarded her for it.

I don’t think she was disrespectful to Nabal. And clearly, she submitted to Nabal. But she knew her God and she put Him first.

So, what advice should that blogger have given? Maybe not have given any at all? Maybe had a disclaimer that this advice is based solely on her experience? Maybe tell people to seek professional advice?

We have to be careful when we dole out advice. I find I’m more and more of recluse these day because I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m depressed enough.

Is it all bad? Of course not. Is it right? Nope, not at all.

If you’re a blogger, please consider your audience when you blog. You never know what scars you’re opening up.

God bless!

Ah huh…

I got this in email today from a reformed Christian site:

Spiritual mindedness grows from and consists of being delighted by spiritual things: what we love is what captures us. The great contest between heaven and earth is to see which of them can most draw out our love.

Whoever has our love has the whole of us; love causes us to give ourselves away, as nothing else can. Our love is like the rudder of a ship—where it is turned, there the ship goes.

That’s all a lovely thought and I do believe there is truth in it but what happens when someone does whatever they can to crush that love. Does that mean you never really loved? You’re weak?

Or maybe it’s me and I’m just throwing a tantrum because my expectations aren’t being met. Because I thought when someone said they cared, they meant it.

I’m raising my kids alone… but I’m married.

It’s the same cry – nothing I do is good enough. I’m always wrong. Picked on for my weight after throwing chocolate at me. When I’ve said repeatedly don’t bring it home. Stress/depressed eating is a real thing. At least my son wants to workout with me.

My kids look to me for leadership, not their father. They should be looking to us both.

The kids and I do a Bible study together. Never with my husband because not only will it turn into an argument, it will turn into him telling us how wrong we all are. I love studying with my kids because they are really opening up. It’s a sweet sweet time! I wouldn’t give it up for anything!

If I bring up a news article I like, he’ll be contrary. No matter topic of the article.

He judged a recent political situation – for all the wrong reasons. It didn’t matter that the people’s lives were in danger but he said he hoped these people learned their lesson. Not because they stood up for what was right but because of their chosen profession, he hoped they learned a little something about the First and Second Amendments to the Constitution.

Sometimes you can ignore the narcissist. Sometimes he leaves you in tears.

Sometimes you think you’ll never be good enough… for anyone.

Better now…

But a few minutes ago I was ready to kill my entitled self-made king of a narcissist.

Do you know what my favorite part of the day is? NOW! It’s the afterglow of him leaving for work and knowing he’s gone because I heard the garage door go down.

Never EVER does he put what’s best for the kids before his lazy, I only care about me, ass. If he’s happy, who cares what the kids need.

Back to life… with just me and kids… until dinner. And I will enjoy every moment.

Sometimes….

I’d like to smack the snot out my dear narcissist. I could end the post right there.

I hate the condescending attitude. That attitude alone makes me not want to follow through on his suggestion even if it is a good suggestion.

The serve me ‘air’ is old. The “everyone should clean up after me” is wrong and a horrible example for our boys. The latter is part narcissist and part example he was raised with.

His dad has passed away a number of years ago but he always talks about his dad as being heavy handed and demanding respect. I’ve met his dad, a time or two (sarcasm, I knew him quite well) and he was neither of those things. Super cheap and you couldn’t pull a nickel out of his hand but not heavy handed. His newspaper was more important than being present for his family.

Anyway, they say people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones but even when their house collapses, narcissist can’t see it or it’s NEVER their fault.

I’m not going to collapse his house… no matter how tempting, lol. Just kidding!

So I keep praying and I keep waiting.

Thank you for listening.

Finding Life in the Shadow of a Narcissist — Dr. Eric Perry

This is an excellent blog post! Enjoy!

Written by Dr. Eric Perry Image Credit: Pixabay “Happiness must be grown in one’s own garden.” ~Mary Engelbreit Life is complicated. One day we open our eyes and find ourselves in a life that we have no idea how we entered into willingly. We have painted ourselves into the proverbial corner with no window or […]

Finding Life in the Shadow of a Narcissist — Dr. Eric Perry

Dixie Chicks New Song

I haven’t had much to post lately in regards to narcissism. So, that in of itself is a good thing. However, I’ve been buried under (extended) family drama that wasn’t my own. It’s been so stressful I haven’t had much time for much. Thankfully, I have a reprieve for a bit. I’m praying permanently.

On the way to taking my kids to school this morning, I heard the Dixie Chicks new song, Gaslighter.

I have to admit I was surprised to hear a song on this topic. I’ve experienced it, more than once and not just from my dear narcy.

I’m not real crazy about the actual video. I get what they are saying, totally, but I think the lyrics video is a better choice.

Enjoy!

Everything else is #1

…to the family.

Email, because of the antiquities requests and politics, keeps one busy. But if it weren’t email it would be the newspaper. The comics are his favorite part. Yes, I swear he’s 3.

Cast aside, discarded, and depressed. That’s me, not him.

Always right, no empathy, and feelingless. That’s him, not me.