Bad advice… just bad advice

I saw a blog post today that frankly, really upset me. Something I haven’t shared before (I think) is that before I married my little narcissist, I was married to an abusive addict. (Lesson learned, there won’t be a third.)

In this blog, about how to love a husband well, the advice was superficial and should have been given with a disclaimer.

Have you ever noticed how everyone is an expert because they get one thing right (or seem to)? Or get something figured out for them and then want everyone to do it their way?

The piece of advice that really bothered me – “Ask your husband what it means to respect?” That could have gotten me killed in my last married.

When I nicely commented on the blog, it wouldn’t post. I didn’t (can’t) use a real email for safety reasons. I was already planning on blogging myself about that, so here I am a little sooner.

In my current marriage, when I would try to seek help from friends, I heard, “You need to submit more.” Or, “You’re not submitting enough.”

I will not submit to sin.

If I had been a Christian and gotten that advice with my ex-husband, well, I might not be around today.

I love Abigail (in the Bible). She’s my hero. She did what was right in God’s eyes and He rewarded her for it.

I don’t think she was disrespectful to Nabal. And clearly, she submitted to Nabal. But she knew her God and she put Him first.

So, what advice should that blogger have given? Maybe not have given any at all? Maybe had a disclaimer that this advice is based solely on her experience? Maybe tell people to seek professional advice?

We have to be careful when we dole out advice. I find I’m more and more of recluse these day because I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m depressed enough.

Is it all bad? Of course not. Is it right? Nope, not at all.

If you’re a blogger, please consider your audience when you blog. You never know what scars you’re opening up.

God bless!

Leadership – Is it loving?

What makes good leadership?

I actually started writing this for another blog. But I’ve since decided it would be better here. Plus, I don’t think I’ll be writing on my other blog anymore. The other blog is boring, unfocused, not fun, and honestly, not very therapeutic. Also, it’s hard to share truthfully when you are judged without having all the facts. (I don’t know that this blog is fun but I do hope the therapy works and it goes in that direction.) But here I am free to do and say what I want. It’s one reason this blog is anonymous. I don’t have to worry who is reading it or what someone might read into it.

So back to my question. What makes good leadership?

The old blog of mine was a Christian blog. But this question isn’t just for the church but then again, it is very much for the church. So, chuchy people, if your first answer is theology, I’m going to disagree with you. Your first answer should be soteriology (i.e. what you believe about Salvation – by the grace of God, through Christ Alone, not by works). But that’s still not the answer I’m looking for.

The mark of a good leader – easy: Do they love? Do they genuinely care for you and those around you? Without love we are called a noisy gong. No one will care what you have to say if you don’t have love. Sometimes love doesn’t always say what we want but when you feel loved, you’re okay with that. When someone comes alongside of you and just loves you, you know everything is going to be okay.

Love doesn’t just hand you everything you need or want. Love will care enough to teach you so you can meet your needs. We all need help and there’s nothing wrong with that. We’ve all heard love makes the world go round. It does. Love is patient and kind and doesn’t seek to harm or seek its own way.

Here’s something that really bothers me and it’s a huge mark against the church. Leadership who is only interest in themselves. It’s prideful. No one is perfect. But when what they do damages another person or persons, we should hold them accountable. Recently a previous church leader, who has a lot of people that look up to him, thought it would be funny to not only send inappropriate things to a married woman, he made inappropriate comments to her too – lewd and suggestive. All in the name of joking and trying to help her feel better about herself. How on earth does this make someone feel better? Yes, please, make them feel like an object, not a person with feelings. This was the loving thing to do. And if you call yourself a Christian, I’m sure Christ was pleased. (Maybe a little sarcasm from me. It just slips out sometimes.)

So, how does what this person did help his friend’s struggling marriage? AND she’s running around telling anyone who will listen. How is that helping his testimony or character?

The woman was hurt, the marriage was hurt, those who now know were hurt. How is this loving in any way?

This person is no longer in church leadership and hasn’t been in a few years. In my opinion, there’s a big HALLELUJAH! This man should never be in leadership again.

This man is also married and says his marriage has never been better. But… wait for it… he’s married to a narcissist. She didn’t see anything wrong with what he did and even thought it was funny.

A side note: their marriage is so great because the only thing he’s now capable of saying is “yes, dear.” She too was once in leadership and I’m thankful she no longer is as well. Everything I’ve ever known her to do was about her. The funny thing is my happy narcissist pegged from the beginning. Shocking (more sarcasm).

As I was reading through this post and proofing it, sadly, you can apply this politics. Church leaders and politicians – sheesh!

Not all church leaders are bad. There are a lot who truly love and follow the Lord. And I do believe there are a few good politicians out there too.

So what makes a good leader? Or what makes for good leadership? LOVE of others.

Why this blog?

Because it’s cheaper than therapy.

What do you need to know?
This blog is anonymous. Not just for my benefit but your benefit as well. I will be venting. I will be sharing. And I want to do those things without worrying about who is reading this and if they can figure out who I am. I want to be honest and transparent. That may sound like an oxymoron because I’m staying anonymous but it’s for safety reasons.

What can I tell you about myself?
I am married to a narcissist. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was a train wreck. Clearly I have issues with making sound judgements for myself or I’m easily fooled. You pick.

I have two amazing kids adopted through the foster care system. One of my kiddos is special needs – emotional, learning, and developmental delays.

I love my rescue dogs. I even had a disabled one. She was the best dog ever. I still miss her so much! I only have two dogs right now. And frankly it’s all I can handle at the moment.

I’m a Christian and my faith is important to me. My husband said and did all the right things when we “dated”. Less than three months into our marriage, I began to see the lies. I even thought of leaving him. The bottom-line is my faith stopped me. And now that there are kids involved (a pre-teen and teenager), I can’t leave. I don’t believe I have Scriptural basis for a divorce.

These are the quick facts. I have no doubt that things will get unpacked over time and that things will make more sense. I really do have a backbone. This road God has me on is an interesting one.