I just finished reading a book that I didn’t really like. It was a fiction book about the husband dealing with pornography. The husband used it as a way to cope with the loss of the couple’s daughter when she was eleven (I think). It was a tragic accidental sudden death.
I know it was fiction but fantasy might have been a better category. It was very unrealistic. The more I think about the book the more it bothers me. Maybe it hit home a little harder than I want to admit.
This author is not known for her religious content but with this book she felt it necessary to insert religion. It was bad and misguided with a touch a mysticism. That annoys me no matter what the book is about. Leave it out if you can’t get it right. If you have to seek advice on something like this, then go another route. Or if you do seek advice, go to someone who knows – like a well respected pastor.
I’ve mentioned before my husband and I were foster parents. We lost a daughter before she turned two. She didn’t die but was returned to her mother after we were told we would be adopting her. We were told this twice. My happy narcissist put the blame all on me. Sorry, honey, I don’t control the state.
In this book I read, the sex became more and more infrequent. My ex-husband, who I don’t like to talk about, was an addict. He was and from what I gather still is an addict. He’s addicted to getting high. Mainly he used crack but many times I would come home to find the medicine cabinet cleaned out of anything that might give him a high. Sad I had to hide my cold medicines. I’m the kind of person who rarely takes pain pills so it’s not unusual to find really old pain pills in there. That never happened with my ex. He also used pornography as a coping mechanism. He bought into the lie of pornography. When he would come home high, he would force sex on me. Yes, I’m having a hard time saying the “r” word. (This is just the tip of the iceberg.) I have never shared this with anyone. It’s embarrassing and shameful.
My husband has a hobby (he’s a collector of certain antiquities) that is very consuming. It’s not pornography but sometimes I think it might as well be. He comes to bed late, most of the time. He gets his ya-ya’s from his hobby. If we have sex more than six times a year, I’d be surprised.
I used to love sex. Making love was fun, pleasurable, and it was making a connection. Now I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s the exact same every time. Is that normal? It’s not fun. Frankly, I can do for myself what he does for me. I know that sounds awful. There’s no romance, there’s no fun, and there’s no intimacy. If something were to happen to this relationship and if I ever dared to try again, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do. So I probably don’t have to worry because I can’t see anyone wanting to deal with my insecurities. Anyway, you see the narcissist is getting what he wants, when he wants, how he wants.
In the book I was talking about, I have no doubt the author did some research but she should have done more. I’m not trying to be critical of her but I’m relating from my experience to that which she gives in the book. But here’s a thought… books like this with romantic studs and perfect women – how aren’t they any less healthy than the unrealism of porn. (No wonder I prefer thrillers when reading fiction.)
So what is the difference between addictive behavior and narcissistic behavior? Is there one? They’re both abusive. They’re both unloving and all about them.
True intimacy cannot happen with either.
Can there be recovery? I think so. Is it likely? I don’t think so.
Both pornography and narcissism is on the rise. Traditional families are on the decline.
The “me” society is winning or would that be narcissism…
From Psychology today:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also have grandiose fantasies and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.
People with NPD often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way, which can enhance their own self-esteem. They tend to seek excessive admiration and attention and have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat.