Bad advice… just bad advice

I saw a blog post today that frankly, really upset me. Something I haven’t shared before (I think) is that before I married my little narcissist, I was married to an abusive addict. (Lesson learned, there won’t be a third.)

In this blog, about how to love a husband well, the advice was superficial and should have been given with a disclaimer.

Have you ever noticed how everyone is an expert because they get one thing right (or seem to)? Or get something figured out for them and then want everyone to do it their way?

The piece of advice that really bothered me – “Ask your husband what it means to respect?” That could have gotten me killed in my last married.

When I nicely commented on the blog, it wouldn’t post. I didn’t (can’t) use a real email for safety reasons. I was already planning on blogging myself about that, so here I am a little sooner.

In my current marriage, when I would try to seek help from friends, I heard, “You need to submit more.” Or, “You’re not submitting enough.”

I will not submit to sin.

If I had been a Christian and gotten that advice with my ex-husband, well, I might not be around today.

I love Abigail (in the Bible). She’s my hero. She did what was right in God’s eyes and He rewarded her for it.

I don’t think she was disrespectful to Nabal. And clearly, she submitted to Nabal. But she knew her God and she put Him first.

So, what advice should that blogger have given? Maybe not have given any at all? Maybe had a disclaimer that this advice is based solely on her experience? Maybe tell people to seek professional advice?

We have to be careful when we dole out advice. I find I’m more and more of recluse these day because I don’t want to hear it anymore. I’m depressed enough.

Is it all bad? Of course not. Is it right? Nope, not at all.

If you’re a blogger, please consider your audience when you blog. You never know what scars you’re opening up.

God bless!

Ah huh…

I got this in email today from a reformed Christian site:

Spiritual mindedness grows from and consists of being delighted by spiritual things: what we love is what captures us. The great contest between heaven and earth is to see which of them can most draw out our love.

Whoever has our love has the whole of us; love causes us to give ourselves away, as nothing else can. Our love is like the rudder of a ship—where it is turned, there the ship goes.

That’s all a lovely thought and I do believe there is truth in it but what happens when someone does whatever they can to crush that love. Does that mean you never really loved? You’re weak?

Or maybe it’s me and I’m just throwing a tantrum because my expectations aren’t being met. Because I thought when someone said they cared, they meant it.

So low, I could play tennis against a curb.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. But I’ve been busy and away from home.

I have some strong beliefs about the whole COVID-19 and masks. When I share them with my husband, I learn how stupid I am. Even though I back my findings up with solid evidence, I’m still stupid.

I’m not saying we can’t disagree. But do it respectfully. Everyone deserves respect.

When our son recently got in trouble, Mr. Legalism thought it best to beat (metaphorically) Scripture into him. Because me teaching him by example from the Bible, positively, wasn’t good enough. He won’t take the time to feed into our children’s lives, that’s everyone else’s job. And he’s happy to let them know that they don’t live up to his standards.

I was blaming the weather for my migraine today. I think that blame is misplaced…

Too bad I don’t rate…

I’m not even second place or third. I’m no place.

Constant headaches from stress, walking around fighting the tears, and yelling when I should be loving and hugging on my children.

Some days I don’t feel like I’m going to survive.

Something has to give…

If it doesn’t, I have to find a way to cope – for my kids and for my piece of mind.

Always

No matter what, no matter what they stand for, his family will always be numero uno.

No matter what my family is going through, it will be forgotten. Me too for that matter.

He always has to make proclamations about himself but no one else. Everyone has to know about him.

He can forget their beliefs, that they clash in major ways with our beliefs but then I guess those aren’t really his beliefs.

But it’s another day and another day that I heard the garage door close… and I have peace for a few hours.

Better now…

But a few minutes ago I was ready to kill my entitled self-made king of a narcissist.

Do you know what my favorite part of the day is? NOW! It’s the afterglow of him leaving for work and knowing he’s gone because I heard the garage door go down.

Never EVER does he put what’s best for the kids before his lazy, I only care about me, ass. If he’s happy, who cares what the kids need.

Back to life… with just me and kids… until dinner. And I will enjoy every moment.

Sometimes….

I’d like to smack the snot out my dear narcissist. I could end the post right there.

I hate the condescending attitude. That attitude alone makes me not want to follow through on his suggestion even if it is a good suggestion.

The serve me ‘air’ is old. The “everyone should clean up after me” is wrong and a horrible example for our boys. The latter is part narcissist and part example he was raised with.

His dad has passed away a number of years ago but he always talks about his dad as being heavy handed and demanding respect. I’ve met his dad, a time or two (sarcasm, I knew him quite well) and he was neither of those things. Super cheap and you couldn’t pull a nickel out of his hand but not heavy handed. His newspaper was more important than being present for his family.

Anyway, they say people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones but even when their house collapses, narcissist can’t see it or it’s NEVER their fault.

I’m not going to collapse his house… no matter how tempting, lol. Just kidding!

So I keep praying and I keep waiting.

Thank you for listening.

Everything else is #1

…to the family.

Email, because of the antiquities requests and politics, keeps one busy. But if it weren’t email it would be the newspaper. The comics are his favorite part. Yes, I swear he’s 3.

Cast aside, discarded, and depressed. That’s me, not him.

Always right, no empathy, and feelingless. That’s him, not me.

Intimacy and the Narcissist

I just finished reading a book that I didn’t really like. It was a fiction book about the husband dealing with pornography. The husband used it as a way to cope with the loss of the couple’s daughter when she was eleven (I think). It was a tragic accidental sudden death.

I know it was fiction but fantasy might have been a better category. It was very unrealistic. The more I think about the book the more it bothers me. Maybe it hit home a little harder than I want to admit.

This author is not known for her religious content but with this book she felt it necessary to insert religion. It was bad and misguided with a touch a mysticism. That annoys me no matter what the book is about. Leave it out if you can’t get it right. If you have to seek advice on something like this, then go another route. Or if you do seek advice, go to someone who knows – like a well respected pastor.

I’ve mentioned before my husband and I were foster parents. We lost a daughter before she turned two. She didn’t die but was returned to her mother after we were told we would be adopting her. We were told this twice. My happy narcissist put the blame all on me. Sorry, honey, I don’t control the state.

In this book I read, the sex became more and more infrequent. My ex-husband, who I don’t like to talk about, was an addict. He was and from what I gather still is an addict. He’s addicted to getting high. Mainly he used crack but many times I would come home to find the medicine cabinet cleaned out of anything that might give him a high. Sad I had to hide my cold medicines. I’m the kind of person who rarely takes pain pills so it’s not unusual to find really old pain pills in there. That never happened with my ex. He also used pornography as a coping mechanism. He bought into the lie of pornography. When he would come home high, he would force sex on me. Yes, I’m having a hard time saying the “r” word. (This is just the tip of the iceberg.) I have never shared this with anyone. It’s embarrassing and shameful.

My husband has a hobby (he’s a collector of certain antiquities) that is very consuming. It’s not pornography but sometimes I think it might as well be. He comes to bed late, most of the time. He gets his ya-ya’s from his hobby. If we have sex more than six times a year, I’d be surprised.

I used to love sex. Making love was fun, pleasurable, and it was making a connection. Now I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s the exact same every time. Is that normal? It’s not fun. Frankly, I can do for myself what he does for me. I know that sounds awful. There’s no romance, there’s no fun, and there’s no intimacy. If something were to happen to this relationship and if I ever dared to try again, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do. So I probably don’t have to worry because I can’t see anyone wanting to deal with my insecurities. Anyway, you see the narcissist is getting what he wants, when he wants, how he wants.

In the book I was talking about, I have no doubt the author did some research but she should have done more. I’m not trying to be critical of her but I’m relating from my experience to that which she gives in the book. But here’s a thought… books like this with romantic studs and perfect women – how aren’t they any less healthy than the unrealism of porn. (No wonder I prefer thrillers when reading fiction.)

So what is the difference between addictive behavior and narcissistic behavior? Is there one? They’re both abusive. They’re both unloving and all about them.

True intimacy cannot happen with either.

Can there be recovery? I think so. Is it likely? I don’t think so.

Both pornography and narcissism is on the rise. Traditional families are on the decline.

The “me” society is winning or would that be narcissism…

From Psychology today:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder – The hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) are grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also have grandiose fantasies and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships.

People with NPD often try to associate with other people they believe are unique or gifted in some way, which can enhance their own self-esteem. They tend to seek excessive admiration and attention and have difficulty tolerating criticism or defeat.

So many titles….

So little time!

Like – I slept like a baby.
Did that really happen?
He was actually kind.
I didn’t get mocked (yet).

I know fretting and worrying don’t help. It only hurts yourself. But when you know one’s abilities, it’s hard to be vulnerable.

He finished reading what I wrote. And… said…. “I like it. It was good.” He didn’t offer to help with more or go into greater details but I’ll take it.

I have my doubts he truly liked it because it’s just not what he would read. Several people have told me how well written it is and it’s been well received by many people. Maybe he didn’t want to be odd man out. I don’t know.

All I know is that I’m grateful.

Today is here, Tomorrow is yet to be. I’ll deal with tomorrow then.